89 Miles to Go....

The other morning I had a brief conversation that left me contemplating our judgmental society.  I made the comment: 

 "we are all captives of our bodies thanks to the world we live in, but our true contentment in life lies with our faith . But it doesn't really help in the fleeting moments of self doubt."

It was a conversation about how we feel so bad about ourselves at times, particularly when we see ourselves in pictures, smiling on the outside, yet unhappy with the "outside" on the "inside". I struggle with this perception every day. I often feel like a captive in my own body, prisoner to my size, my complexion, my hair cut and color, the clothes I wear.... All because of the world we live in is so darn judgmental! But who are we judging against? What does perfection look like?  

This all led me to google a t-shirt I saw in Disneyland recently. It said "Don't judge me by my size" and it was referring to the height requirement to ride certain rides. It made me laugh because I am definitely vertically challenged! Instead of finding that particular shirt, I found a few others that made me think as well.

Yes, ignorance is a huge factor in being judgmental.  We all know the saying "not until you've walked a mile in their shoes", but how often do we live that?  Judge, judge, judge.  Whether you do it consciously or don't even realize you are doing it, there is no doubt in my mind all people judge at some point due to our ignorance.

Yup, don't cast a stone unless you can pull the plank out of your own eye.  This is so what bullying stems from even, and adults do it too, it's not just a teenage epidemic.  A sermon I recently sat through talked about placing our own "restrictions" for sin onto others.  For example, drinking may totally not be ok for you, but don't judge me for having a glass of wine.  You know?  I know I'm not perfect, and you know you are not perfect, so why judge each other?

So true.  At Disneyland I overheard a group of teenager chatting about the "hard stuff" in life.  One made a comment that made me sick to my stomach.  "Yeah," she said, "like, you have nothing hard in your life to complain about unless your parents have been divorced.  Ugh."  Really?  Is that the one journey that makes life hard?  From a "broken" family myself, I disagree.  My path may have been hard for me, but there is no doubt in my mind that other "kids" had hard times as well, maybe even worse, with parents who were together.  It may not have even had anything to do with their family!  There is a lot of tragedy and "hardness" in this life, and we should never think just because someone looks like they have-it-good, that life is easy for them.  And every situation is dealt with differently by every person who goes through it.  For example, I had a close friend pass away in high school.  Some who know him grieved quickly, some took a long time.  Some grieved quietly while others cried out.  I, personally, let it destroy my outlook for a long time and internalized my grief.  Does that mean it was harder on me?  No, just a different path, a different journey.  

I love this.  I always tell my kids that God created us different because if we were all the same life would be BORING!  It is so true.  We all know we are not perfect, but we truly are all awesomely created by God.  Own it, live it, let it shine.

Had to add this one because of my 100 mile August challenge.  Do you guys remember the "hot marathon running guy" that took over the web a few years ago?  He was at like, mile 20 with a huge smile on his face?  Definitely not me.  Just because I may not run "pretty" does not mean I'm not getting the job done!  Yahoo!

So basically the point of this blog post is not to take yourself so seriously, not to judge others, and by all means try your hardest not to judge yourself!  We are our own worst critic.  Don't cloud great experiences by worrying so much about what is on the outside.   I hate to get my photo taken and a friend once told me I would regret not taking photos WITH my kids one day.  So now I try harder to be in front of the lens more often.  I may not love the final image, but I try not to let my self judgment cloud those awesome memories with the kids.

95.72 Miles to Go.....

Treadmill final this morning, one of my favorite pics from high school I recently found, my oldest and I last fall, my husband and I the Fall before we got married (my inspiration pic for weight loss), and me last summer.  Pictures I love and loathe for many reasons!

A life without challenges would be, well, nice right?  WRONG!  John 1:2-4 says "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  Lets face it, without challenges we wouldn't have the opportunity to grow, not only in faith, but in strength among many other facets of growth in our lives.

It is the first day of August, and this year has already been full of challenges for me and many around me.  The biggest life challenge we have faced this year is the passing on of my mother, who I wrote about in a previous post.  Honestly, it has been the biggest challenge of my life.  I feel like I am failing in the grieving process because I can't seem to get her out of my thoughts, my dreams, my day to day happenings.  I used to call her multiple times a day to tell her about everything from the mundane to the troubles I faced.  So it seems, specially when big things happen, I am at a loss.  But I know, for sure, that this process that I'm facing is teaching me things.  Like to rely on others in my life more, especially my husband.  It is teaching me to also rely on God more, and turn to him with all of life's events and troubles.   I know HE wants me to come to him first when I am excited, when I am sad, and every other emotion I am dealing with.  It is a hard lesson, one as I said I am struggling with and feel like I am failing, but I have faith that eventually it will all work out.  Not that missing my mom will ever completely go away, but I will grow and learn how to deal with my grief in a more positive way.

I set our in July with a big challenge.  I entered a challenge actually.  I paid MONEY to lose weight.  I thought it would motivate me, encourage me, etc.  It did for sure.  It was a great challenge to participate in, but I'm afraid I'm going to fail this one.  With the challenge check-out date quickly approaching, I have yet to shed a pound!  Not that I haven't tried, I just haven't been as committed as I should be I guess.  Sure, I am now, with the thought of losing $20 hanging over my head and all the stuff I could do with the $20!  So I have been working out one to two times a day and watching every morsel of food go into my mouth, without being obsessed of course, because I then kill the effort with a glass of wine in the evening!  See, not totally committed!  Yikes!  If I fail this one, and I'll let you know in a few days if I do, I will do it with my head held high, because it has made me more determined.  Not to "lose weight" per say, but to complete a challenge successfully (along with the side effect of possibly getting healthy).

So the August Challenge is to run 100 miles in 30 days.  What?  Seriously?  Sounds crazy when that actually equals 3.3 MILES A DAY!  Who in their right mind runs EVERY DAY?????  Well, lots of people I know actually, and they enjoy it, they love it, they live for it!  But me?  Sure, I've run my share of 5ks, 10ks, and even a small handful of half-marathons, but I haven't done anything like that in a LONG TIME.  Yet, I really want to do this.  And I want to be held accountable to doing this, so that is why I am going to try to blog it.  Whether or not anyone actually reads what I write, at least I will have an account of my effort to try to *FINALLY* succeed at a challenge.  Hey, maybe I'll even get a little "better" if not faster at this running thing.  Check out today's stats; slow and steady wins the race!

Today's Stats: 4.28 miles in 63 min.  95.72 miles to go.

Mother

What a long month this has been  I started out at the Great Wolf Lodge with some awesome friends, and ended the month stuck in Knoxville, Tennessee at an airport hotel nervous I wouldn't make it home for an important day in my 7-year-olds life.  I did end up making it home, and my second-grader shined during her special night.  When January started, as I chatted with my mom about the fun we were having in Washington, I never imagined I would end the month without her, unable to chat about life's mundane happenings.  Yes, 2 weeks ago I lost my mom.  She passed away suddenly of heart disease.  I miss desperately the phone calls we shared daily, as she lived on the other side of the country.  Yesterday, driving to the store, I blasted the radio to take my mind off of the fact that I almost always called her in the car while driving to the store, just to say hi, just to see how life was going that day.  We would talk about the littlest things in life, and I loved it.  I hated that my mother was so far away physically, but I loved that technology allowed me the opportunity to chat with her almost whenever I wanted.  Our conversations were rarely exciting, but they kept me afloat.  If I was having a bad day, a chat with her could make all things seem better.  Now, well, that part of my life is gone.
I know God has great plans for us; I know his plans are much greater than my own.  I pray daily that those plans will be revealed, and that we will learn from life's hard times. 
My mother understood me as a child.  By the time I was in 3rd grade and the teacher was concerned that I was obsessed with death due to my poetry, my mother was not worried.  We had seen so much as a family already including the deaths  of family members we held so close.  She was not worried because my poetry was not about the sadness of losing someone.  In my childlike innocence I wrote a poem about the lessons God will teach each of us after we get relief from the grief.  At all of 7, maybe 8 years old, I wrote of the power of God to teach us from our difficulties.  And my mom had that poem on our fridge year after year, move after move, after move.  Not only as a reminder of me, but as a reminder that God does not make mistakes.  There are reasons; there are lessons.

As Jesus spoke in parables, let my mother's passing be a story for you to remember.  Let her life remind you of God's strength and love for his children.  My mother never wanted sympathy for any struggle she endured.  No, she wanted neither sympathy nor empathy.  She did not want anyone to feel sorry for her  nor feel the pain he felt at times.  Instead, she would want people to feel the peace she felt as she handed those burdens to God.  As he lifted them from her shoulders and calmed her spirit.

There are too many cherished memories that I could share right now.  A treasure trove of moments that I pray will forever be imprinted on my heart.  I learned so much from my mother.  To stop and "breathe", to take time to savor every moment.  To let go and let God.  That it is ok to question even my faith because through questions we find answers.

I could go on and on and on here, but want to make sure you know that no matter how brief a time you had with my mother, if you knew her, she loved you deeply.  Her love and the abundance of it will always be with it. 

I love you mommy,
Love,
Your Baby Girl